Flame, Glass and Ink are Poems, essays, and reading notes by Stefania Joori Suh

Tag: diary

  • emotion bin

    Why do I always feel guilty and remorseful about things I am not wholly responsible for, the faux pas?

    And I have a reason to think so.

    Today, the accounting clerk – more of a delivery guy – was supposed to pick up a returned check from a vendor, but he wasn’t, and the accounting department was behind him by not answering my questions about why he didn’t pick up the check. Did I do something unforgivably or gravely wrong? Was my calling the guy “Hey George” enough to irritate his nerves? But don’t they at the firm call each other “Hey?” Oh, I got it. So they can say hey, but me. It’s not the same, hey. It’s a different hey from mine. I got it.

    Still, it’s a job, and what if someone – and most possibly the guy himself – steals the check and appropriates it to frame me so that I will be fired from the job? I have a valid reason to speculate the scenario: that guy smirks at me and is always happy to ignore me when saying hi and hello, and what’s up to everyone but me. Too sensitive? Of course, when you and he are alone in an elevator, and there’s only radio silence, except for his malicious and vile smirk? Oh, yes, definitely sensitive.

    The check was not returned and is supposedly kept in our desk drawer in the office. I worked from home today, and I asked my colleague in the office to keep it in the drawer. I hope the delivery guy or his kindred accomplice will not do anything malicious to wreak havoc on my career and sanity.

    I am writing this because otherwise, I would feel like I cannot sleep. So, by writing the litany of woes, I hope I can get rid of the evil spells or exorcise demons hell-bent on gripping my soul, dragging me to hell.

  • entry from this universe – #1

     To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
    Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
    To the last syllable of recorded time;
    And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
    The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
    Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
    That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
    And then is heard no more. It is a tale
    Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
    Signifying nothing.
    — Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17–28)

    It’s been a long time since I last wrote in this online journal. To my surprise, I found out that all my past entries are gone! I have tried fruitlessly locating them, but Penzu has no such easy function to retrieve the past entries UNLESS you have to upgrade to a present version! So, that’s how they make a profit from their business. But as I think of it as some kind of sign to refresh my life, I will not attempt to retrieve the bygone times.

    It’s nice to write anything now using my cute iPad. Don’t get me wrong. I love writing, even though I am not perfect at English grammar. I love the English language and the way of western cilivization, even if the people who were born into the culture do not seem to take a liking to me. I consider the English language to be the most efficient global lingua franca. It’s convenient and catholic. So, what the hell! I am not scared of writing in English because I love the language and the act of writing in it.

    So, job-wise, I think I am doing okay because I am still working at the same place as a case manager assistant. I believe I work the most diligently and efficiently in my team, which is mainly composed of younger people. Yeah, the glorious MZ Generation. But they will not stay young any longer, and mind you and them; they will one day lament the bygone days of their youth. Well, I guess you have already noticed my not-so-kind opinion about them, which might have come from my experience working with them. Hell, yeah!

    Oh well. Enough for pouring this hateful rant about the deplorable generation. I want to focus on the rest of my life and take control of it. I am considering setting up and running my own small online business selling cat toys and cat-themed fancy stationery items via Etsy. Or maybe Amazon. I am seriously considering such a business prospect as a plan B for my economic act, always having backup financial resources in force in significant situations. I do not want to repeat, though helplessly, depressive times when I do not have a job.

  • prompt 84

    Bloganuary writing prompt
    What’s your dream job?
    View all responses

    The word “Job” always triggers the image of Job, whose piety to God was tested by Satan, who made him go through the trials of life so that he could curse God for the suffering. The etymology of Job is from Greek Iōb, from Hebrew Iyyōbh, meaning ‘occurrence.’ Or ‘Joining Others’ Business,’ which is hardly anything dreamy.

    My ideal Job is one where I can perform my abilities to the greatest extent possible with good pay and benefits packages to secure my livelihood. After a series of misses on the Wheel of Fortune, I finally landed my current Job as a case manager assistant in a law firm, which I am grateful for (although some of the co-workers behave foolishly and immaturely as if they were teenagers.) It’s not a dream job, and I wouldn’t have to sustain a job if I won a lottery or possessed bequeathed estates from the family trust account. Still, it helps me pay the rents, dues, provide the food and medical to my cats and Mom, and keep my appearance.

    No jobs are dreams; if you insist, they will not last like a midsummer night’s dream because feelings are fleeting and precarious. Earl of Kent wouldn’t have had to get a job if King Lear had not let him go of employment as his trusty servant. And when he got it, it wasn’t his dream job, either.

  • prompt 80

    Bloganuary writing prompt
    Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
    View all responses

    I am a person of paradox. I like decorating my tiny room, but I also like it minimal to make it spacious. And there are piles of books to read that I haven’t read yet. I am a vain reader who wants to read a lot but also wants to read only the ones I feel strongly about. Like the faces of Janus, Frivolity and Austerity, Comedy and Tragedy. Very human.


    I rearrange things and organize the room when I am either under dark clouds of mood or the weight of the narrowness of the space. I do not hesitate to throw things that I no longer need because those things are like trendy guests hurriedly leaving the host’s house when feeling no need to stay long. Since my cats’ tower and hammock are the mainstays of our room, creating maximum effect for the minimum capacity is my responsibility and mission to keep our den as enjoyable and livable as possible.


    I wish I could reduce the clutter in my mind’s space that Lord Byron called “the palace of the soul, the dome of thought.” There are so many things occupying it; honestly, I don’t think I will miss them if wiped out. That will be my cleaning Aegean stable. Hercules cleaned it with streams of the river. Of course, he got help from his godly side, but that’s cheating, not by himself alone. Hence I am doing it myway with the habit of writing be the fresh streams of the river to clean my Aegean stable.

  • prompt 73

    What is your mission?

    Image from Google

    Sometimes, I just want to call it a day in my life. Blue or Black, Low or Dark. You call it depression, but I call it existential despair, which is not clinical but – well – existential that empirical situations shape the way I look at the world, not knowing what the purposes of my life are.

    I’ve read Dr. Viktor E. Frankl’s books about logotherapy, including his memoir because he is someone I could associate with in terms of his remarkable resilience and mind power to overcome his horrific experiences at the death camps during WWII. He said three values help us to find the purposes of life, which are Creative Value, Experiential Value, and Attitudinal Value. Of these values, I am practicing the Creative and Experiential Values by reading and writing because these are something I have been doing well since my childhood. Or I should think so.

    That said, my immediate mission is to finish the books I have downloaded on my Kindle, such as Think Again by Adam Grant and The Greeks by Philip Matyszak, to write book reviews on them. Writing book reviews is another habit I have been doing since the beginning of my nine-year-old blog. But these days, under the pretext of exhaustion from the job, I haven’t done it, so this will be my immediate mission.

    Another mission is to keep living a life, even if I don’t know what it leads me to. These days, I frequently contemplate why I should continue to live. But those who come back from near-death experiences or death said living is much better than death. Since I have not been dead yet, I can only believe them. After all, you must believe someone who has gone through such an ordeal, right? Like Dr. Frankl, who survived the Auschwitz.

    I think of the motto I created, which will be my credo for missions in life: “There’s Hope, There’s Light. Clear Mind, Open Heart. Keep Calm, Always Write.”

    Peace. 🌼💫🧚‍♀️🌍

    My motto created by me⭐️

  • prompt 67

    What colleges have you attended?

    Those were my green salad days on the following Sylvan campuses with pleasantness on memory lanes.

    Bergen Community College in Paramus, New Jersey– It was more of a preparatory school for me to prepare for a four-year university. English is my second language (“ESL”) – and the most beloved-and the college had an excellent ESL program equivalent for TOFEL or CELT. I was enrolled in an Honor Program, which helped me to transfer to the higher-level of university.

    Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey – I lived in the dorm and loved everything about the school. My major was English, so you can guess my initial intimidation of the subject as an ESL competing with native speakers. But I was on a Dean’s List in my senior year, and I am very proud of it. I loved reading Renaissance and Victorian literature classes in their original forms, which were exhilarating. I joined Army ROTC as a student cadet and the NJ Army National Guard at Rutgers. I also joined the Color Guard and Scabbard & Blade, a military honor society. I was a very active student and miss those days.

    New York University, New York, New York – While working as a legal secretary at Dorsey & Witney in New York, I attended evening classes for a certificate in Paralegal Studies at NYU. The instructors were all practicing NYC lawyers passionate about sharing their practical knowledge with us. I graduated from the six-month program with good grades, and it was an enriching experience.

    Looking back under ever foreign palm trees in California, I miss the east coast where all my college years and my prime times are buried.